Another October
My mind spews acid, anger flows through my veins, replacing blood, destroying kindness, ending my ability to be generous, to be human.
Is it me? Is rage what I am at the core?
I have a lifetime's worth of anger in me, a lifetime of being less than I should be, than I need to be. A lifetime of neglecting who I am.
This was started almost a year ago. The anger, I don’t even remember the moment that sparked it. I remember how it felt, I still have it inside me. It was about her, everything was, for a very long time.
We started just before Halloween. An inappropriate story for another time, but we started. She will always believe that she wanted me more than I wanted her. I didn’t believe she really wanted me then, because she said so. I believed she wanted my body, because that’s what she said.
I wanted more. I wanted the intensity, the caring, the connection, that I felt towards her. I wanted her in my arms.
I didn’t believe she wanted me, so I did things one does when one isn’t with their person. I did this because she wasn’t there for the long term (in my mind). Perhaps everything could have been different if I hadn’t been in that state. I was, though, and it wasn’t.
This would have been eight years for us, although there were breaks. We were always together for…
